In Trump World bad hombres will be contained by big bad walls and Bad Hombre Brigades. The country across the southern border that hatches bad hombres seeking to escape, especially once America is great again, will pay America back for its giant border erection. Then all the bad hombres, especially the 3 million illegals who voted for Hillary, will be escorted out of this great land for good, well, except the hombres who make good burritos will be allowed to stay.
Twitter tirades are so very presidential, keeping business leaders, Congress, federal agencies, and citizens in check if they get testy and defiant. Tweet-storms precede actual threats, giving guilty parties time to shape up or ship out. The world rises and falls on the Great Leader’s 140 characters. Citizens check Twitter to learn about the state of the union. No need to waste time reading long-winded articles. Info-bits have shrunk, expediting information exchange.
With Betsy Devos as Secretary of Education, schoolchildren will be armed with loaded guns to fight daily grizzly encounters. In Betsy’s kingdom, God doesn’t intervene when grizzlies move in on schoolchildren, thus giving children ample opportunity for target practice and trophy heads to boot! Gun-toting children will revel in learning about Betsy’s kingdom—god and guns; bullets and bibles.
In Trump World there are good Muslim countries and bad Muslim countries. Good Muslim countries are usually ones that build Trump properties and golf courses with mountains of cash from oil profits. Most bad Muslim countries have no natural resources, just miles upon miles of pointless sand. People from Trump’s bad Muslim countries haven’t ever attacked on American soil, whereas people from good Muslim countries have. But in Trump World, it’s profits over facts.
In Trump World, he, Rex Tillerson, Russian Friendship Award recipient, and Putin will meet up in Georgia for a little bear wrestling, shirtless horseback riding, vodka drinking, sanction lifting, and Russian oil company gifting. Vlad will say, pay no attention to my skirmishes in the Ukraine. Trump will respond, and don’t worry about our tanks in the Baltics; they’re just decorative. Despite the three-way bromance, Vlad will go all KGB, surmising Donnie’s and Rexie’s weaknesses, plotting world domination, exchanging high-fives over Siberian oil wells, even as he is whisper-shouting take-down commands to his operatives.
Bannon, with his alt-right projectile halitosis, adult acne, and white supremacist eyes, is the guy no one would let into their social cliques in high school, so now he is exacting revenge on “the establishment” aka the popular kids. He’ll feign to worship Trump, and because he’s more cunning and evilicious, he’ll easily install a puppet regime in the first 60 days. But, because both Trump’s and Bannon’s religions are themselves, they will clash bigly in a religious war and someone will be sacrificed. Bannon’s endgame would have been leader of the free world, repurposed as the Prince of Darkness, but he’s astute enough to know that he doesn’t have the face for politics. Not that his boss does either. But he has the hair. Oh, does he have the hair.
In Trump World, Frederick Douglass is still alive and doing great things. In other words, Trump has a special power the rest of us don’t have; he sees dead people. Including abolitionist dead people.
In Trump World, park rangers are fired and national parks become mountains of useable wood and fields filled with trophy heads for boardroom walls. Pruitt sings the praises of the health benefits of mercury and arsenic for all, especially growing children. Pruitt, an S&M master will gag and bind each and every EPAer (they’ll secretly love it) and do a little dominatrix routine. Then he’ll frack, crack, and pipe the hell outta America, and natural gas and fossil fuels will be flowing in a luscious shower of crude.
Rick Perry’s job as Secretary of Energy will be easy. He’ll eliminate the department he couldn’t remember in the first place, and conservatives will rejoice. One less department to sabotage and destroy. Oops, but who will manage the nukes?
Jeff Sessions will show up for his first day of work in a fashionable pointed white hoodie. Everyone in Trump World will admire him for his fashion-forward choice. They’ll emulate him, and soon the leaders and minions alike will be member of the Pointy Cape Brigade. They’ll burn cool patterns in the White House lawn and play hangman on lunch breaks. While wearing their white pointed hoodies, they’ll ban good Muslims from wearing black capes, because, you know, white is good; black is bad.
Americans will stop being paid by George Soros, Crooked Hillary, and Hussein Obama to protest with correctly-spelled signs and rabble-rouse. The rustbelt will be shiny and new with $50/hour factory jobs with no meddling labor unions, and everything will be made in America. And men and women in uniform won’t come home in body bags unless they’re fighting goat-fucking barbarians. Women’s uteri and their contents will belong to everyone. And fetuses will finally get the right to vote.
People will finally see that America is truly great again.