The things that excite me most about the GOP tax bill are: drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge because it’s too damned pristine and giving fetuses personhood; power to fertilized eggs, damn it! Oh, and the fact that the tax bill seeks to use churches as political tools, which is long overdue. Not only should they be houses of worship; they should be bastions of political power. Never mind that none of this pertains to taxes. Details, details!

My favorite tax provisions are: no taxes on personal jets, cuz I have several. Reduced taxes for hedge fund managers because they can now take advantage of the aforementioned untaxed personal jets. The corporate tax rate deduction means that corporations already swimming in record cash profits will be drowning in them so stock holders and corporate execs can buy that much-needed villa in the South of France and a fifth home in Telluride And it’s high time we raised taxes on grad students because we all know they’re lazy good-for-nothings who want a free ride. And because they tend to be the most politically engaged (and left leaning), it’s good to punish them for their involvement. One more thing: the removal of Medicare payments for cancer drugs because cancer patients need to stop being such wimps and fight cancer on their own w/out meds. Finally the coup de grace: this bill is a precursor to “restructuring” Social Security, Medicaid, and Medicare–also long overdue. The freeloaders who’ve been suckling the teats of the US government need to be cut loose once and for all.

How it went down in the halls of the US Capitol was something to behold. Unleashed exultant looting, pillaging, and hoarding by senators who could finally stop hiding behind false pretenses–Jesus and compassion for the fellow man–and let their lust for the almighty dollar shine bright. It was a veritable orgy in the middle of the night with previously neglected DC lobbyists adding their wishlists to the bill at the last minute in illegible scribbles in the margins. Just in time for Christmas! Santa has met his match. No more oppressive procedures like typing the provisions in the bill so they’re legible. For all we know, the scribbles said: hand over the US to Putin, our new besty. Ah, the vision of Russian and American oligarchs toasting with vodka and caviar, whilst the restless masses whine about their plight. American people: members of Congress are just not that into you anymore.